The Joy Of Sleep - Why Two In A Bed Can Be One Too Many!
Posted: Saturday, September 12, 2009
by Ben Morrish
http://alltruism.blogspot.com
According to a pair of recent stories reported by the BBC, sleeping in
the same bed with your partner could be bad for your relationship, and bad for your health!
One study mentioned by the BBC found that sharing a bed leads to about 50% more sleep disturbances on average. And that is bad news.
Good quality sleep is an important part of our well-being, and one that is often overlooked, considered a luxury or even viewed as a waste of time that must be kept to a minimum.
We live in an increasingly busy world, working long hours and not having as much time for ourselves as we'd like . Because of this, many of us try to claw back some hours of "free time" by cutting back on sleep.
Unfortunately, sleep is definitely not a luxury - it is a necessity. If we don't get enough of it, we quickly become moody, irritable and unproductive - what's the point of getting a little extra free time if the price is feeling miserable the entire day?
And it doesn't end there - as well as making us grumpy, lack of sleep can also lead to serious health problems - depression, heart disease, and lung disease, among others.
As if that wasn't enough, lack of sleep also ruins our concentration, making us more likely to be involved in accidents and so more likely to be seriously injured or killed - for example, a tired driver is a danger to themselves and others.
So all in all, disturbed or inadequate sleep makes us unhealthy, dangerous and grumpy. Small wonder then that poor sleep makes couples more likely to split up or get divorced - who'd want to live their life with an unhealthy, dangerous grump? Luckily for me, my missus seems to be fine with doing just that, but I digress...
Today it is the norm for couples to share a bed. Indeed it has become so established that couples (especially young couples) who sleep in separate beds, or even separate rooms, might be considered a little strange by outsiders. We might even jump to the conclusion that there are some serious "issues" in their sex-life or relationship. But the evidence seems to suggest that this might actually be the best way to sustain a relationship - sleeping apart can make the time spent together better, as both partners are less likely to be tired and grumpy.
If sharing a bed is filled with so many potential risks, why do we do it? A good question.
The tradition of the "marital bed" began fairly recently, as the industrial revolution gained momentum and many of us started living in smaller, more crowded spaces in the rapidly growing towns. So it was really population pressure that drove us to share our beds, rather than any romantic desire for togetherness.
In pre-Victorian times it was common for married couples to sleep apart - well-to-do couples had separate beds in separate rooms. They'd share a bed for sex, but retire to their separate rooms for sleep.
Some people can share a bed together without getting their sleep disturbed - but it seems these are a lucky few. For most of us, it can be the cause of real problems.
Women tend to sleep more deeply than men, which means they are less likely to have their sleep disturbed by sharing a bed. Men are typically not such deep sleepers, and so are more vulnerable to having their sleep disturbed by their partner. In a study, men showed significant increases in stress hormone levels when sharing a bed with a partner compared to sleeping alone. They also showed reduced mental abilities the following day if they'd shared their bed.
Here's some of the commonest causes for sleep disturbances caused by sharing a bed, and some ways to minimise the damage:
Duvet Stealing - one partner will often roll the duvet around themselves, exposing the other to the air. The sudden movement, and change in temperature, can easily wake up the victim of this type of theft, and when they have woken up enough to realise what has happened to them, they are likely to wake up their partner when they steal some of the duvet back. So duvet stealing is lose-lose, but luckily it can be avoided fairly easily, without having to resort to seperate beds or even separate rooms. Just replace the double duvet with two single ones - that way each partner has their own, and when they roll to and fro they are much less likely to disturb the other. I have tested this and can confirm it works like a dream!
Tossing and Turning - most of us move around a fair bit during sleep, rolling from side to side and generally fidgeting. Unfortunately, most mattresses are great at passing this movement on to the other side of the bed, leading to the other person getting a spring-powered bouncing earth-quake effect. This will likely disturb them somewhat, causing them to toss and turn, and our good friend the mattress will then return the resulting shockwaves back to the original tosser. This can soon escalate into a near-continuous exchange of hostilities, leaving both sides exhausted come the morning.
On top of this, there is also the dreaded Roll Together, where the weight of each partner distorts the mattress, causing a downward slope that causes both of them to fall into the middle of the bed, in the same way that the mass of black holes distorts the surrounding space and causes everything nearby to fall towards its centre.
These issues are trickier to solve than the duvet stealing, but there are some things you can do to minimise the effects. Some mattresses include "anti roll-together" technology, with separate sets of springs in each side. This can help somewhat. If your bed is big enough, you can go one better and have two seperate mattresses (preferably with a slight gap between them) on the same bed - this will help prevent movement being transmitted from one slumbering partner to the other.
Snoring - this one can be nasty. Some people snore every night, some people only snore occasionally. But whenever it happens, snoring can be disasterous for sleep - mainly for the other partner, but also for the snorer themselves. If the snorer has got to sleep first, the loud noises they make can keep their partner awake for hours, clenching their teeth in helpless frustration. Alternatively, it can just cause the partner to prod the snorer until they wake up, ruining sleep for the both of them.
There are some things that can be done to minimise the damage - trying to avoid sleeping on your back can help, as you are more likely to snore when lying on your back. For some people, the "snore strips" you can apply to hold your nostrils open can help. For others, decongestant nasal sprays can save the day.
In summary then, choosing to sleep in separate beds can be a good thing for a relationship, and for our health, and we shouldn't stigmatise it as being cold and distant, indicative of a failing relationship.
For those who do suffer sleep problems related to bed-sharing, I hope some of the tips above can help you get a better night's sleep.
Goodnight all, sweet dreams :)
BBC News articles referred to:
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Top-level comments on this article: (10 total)Great article. Well done.I am usually one to look at evidence and science then make an informed decision based almost solely on that. Though, with regard to this I am convinced that what you say is true but I don't know if I will follow this in this instance.Thanks Connor!The "science bit" is skimmed over in the BBC articles a bit, and I didn't want to get too tied up with it in the article, but there are some more in depth sleep studies out there if you want some more solid evidence :)
Very interesting study, They obviously didn't inteview both sides :-) I sleep best and deeply when my husband is by my side. Sleeping together deepens our relationship and the feeling as one is intensified. My husband has a hard time sleeping apart from me as well. IT SUCKS! Well written article Ben, for that you get 5 stars from me. Though I deeply and strongly disagree with the BBC. Sorry for being so grumpy I haven't had a good night's sleep in two weeks and not too many over all in the last year. :-) Blessings to you dear friend :-)Thanks for reading!The BBC article does say that people get used to their partner, and do suffer from disturbed sleep when alone for a while too, until they can re-adjust.One of the studies also said that men often said they'd had a better night's sleep with their partner there, but the evidence from testing their alertness and mental abilities contradicted them! :)
Very good article. I am going to join Theresa. It has become somewhat difficult for me to sleep alone. I guess we have become one and it is comfortable. I also look at sleep as a gift from God also. Through our toils of living he gives us the gift of rest. Even He Himself had to rest. It is a refreshment on the old body. It refreshes what we cannot even see or could even imagine that makes all of this within work together. I would say, especially the soul, that which is in man that serves the total being.Thanks for reading!
I like the idea of two twin beds in proximity to each other (with an inch or two gap in between) that way when you are drowsy and ready to sleep, you can just roll over to your twin bed and he in his.Thanks Ben for sharing this study/story. A well written article, as always.Best regards,NenitaThanks for reading Nenita! Twin beds side by side does seem like the "best of both worlds" - you get most of the nearness without the tossing, turning and duvet stealing. Just the snoring to contend with :)
Good writing, Ben, as always. After 33 years of marriage, I sleep much better with Danny right next to me. His snoring is even a comfort sound because I know all is well.Thanks for reading Lorrie!
I guess you can turn snoring into a plus then I guess that proves love really does conquer all! :)
I read the article I do not agree with the sleeping apart from your partner bit but it does, at least, make us think about the issue of sleep quality.
I am not a good sleeper, I get 4-5 hours a night. The good news is I'm never grumpy. The bad news is my husband is. (Supposedly I keep him from getting a good nights sleep) Whatever!
I don't sleep as well when my husband is traveling and out of the house overnight, but I think it's mostly due to feeling like I'm responsible for the household and there's an underlying anxiety that keeps me from sleeping as deeply.I have also gotten a better night's sleep in other rooms if he happens to be home and snoring.... :)Heheheh, thanks for reading Jean :)
hi ben,seperate beds in separate rooms is the ticket for some.i like to have my own bed, watch what i want on TV for as long as i want, and have some alone time to think and pray.there's alway the sleep over!thanks for sharing,best regards,sueThanks for reading Sue!
Great post. I find the difficulties and choices made by couples in their sleeping habits to be fascinating. Some people can’t slep away from each other when they’re traveling and others can’t sleep with each when they’re together. You have great insight. I found this blog to have an interesting insight. I stumbled upon it like I came upon yours: burisonthecouch
Thanks for the post! I’d love to see more. Thanks!Thanks for reading Martha, I'm glad you liked it!
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